“I hate the early call, especially on the green. "Awww great putt!" -- right before the ball rolls 6 feet past the hole. I really hate the early call that's overly specific, like when people yell out "YES!!!!!" or "IT’S IN THE HOLE" a moment before the ball lips out hard. I'm telling you the universe does not seem to like the early call. Whenever these things happen there is always a pall in the air, just an ugly, sad, shameful feeling. I wish people would control themselves.”

1. Practice Swinging While I’m on the Tee: If you are on the other side of the fairway, practice away. However, when I am getting ready to hit a tee shot, I really do not want to hear your “swishes” in the background. You had your turn, now it is mine, so knock it off!


2. Putter Head Ball Removal: Yea, go ahead and cram your putter’s head into the cup to flip out your ball. We all appreciate the damage you do to the edge of the hole. Besides, you have finished so what do you care about the condition of the hole?


3. The Whisperer: He knows talking during your swing is impolite. However, he can’t wait to impart some piece of knowledge so he whispers. Of course if he whispers so low you can’t hear him then his hard-of-hearing buddy can’t hear either. So “The Whisperer” whisperers just loud enough that you can clearly hear every word he says.


4. Excessive Profanity: Hey, I know all the words and use them on occasion. I just don’t insist on regularly using them while on the course. To be sure, a timely expletive is rather cathartic and the occasional “F-bomb” or “S—t” is acceptable to me as long as it does not intrude too much on the experience. I still recall a fellow competitor missing a 4-footer on the first hole and screaming at the top of his lungs, “C-nt!!!!!!” That was a real fun 5 hours. Another time I played with a friend’s acquaintance who talked a lot and every other word was a variation of “f—k”. I never realized that “f—k” was a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, pronoun and gerund.


5. The Poor Shot Compliment: A compliment should be gracefully accepted under almost any circumstance. However, when I play with a group of strangers and hack it around poorly, I really don’t want someone to give me a “nice shot” or “best of the day” when my weak pop-up finally finds the fairway 155 yards from the tee. I understand they want to say something nice. However, telling me “nice shot” after a popped-up drive pretty much confirms that they think I suck big time. Maybe I do suck but do you really have to tell me?


6. The Stealth Competitor: This typically involves playing with people you do not know. Invariably “Bob” mentally decides he is competing against you. Never mind that you play the ball down and “Bob” rolls it. Ignore the multiple mulligans he takes or the 4 foot gimmee’s. Eventually on the 15th hole “Bob” will announce, “I got you on that hole” or “You are now down one” and you realize that, unknown to you, you are in a match with “Bob”.


7. Standing Behind (on my line): Yes, I am supposed to be focused on the object at my feet. Still, having someone walk into that particular spot while I am setting up almost guarantees a poor shot. Throw in a little extraneous movement and I really get rattled.


8. The Quitter: When the going gets tough, the quitter stops trying. However, he won’t have the decency to just leave the course. No, instead he will casually hit the ball all over the place without regard to the results. He will force you to watch him 4-putt one-handed rather than pick-up. All this is of course accompanied by sighs and complaints about the course, the weather, pace of play, etc...


9. “Take Your Time”: I know the phrase is intended to help. However, it really grates on me when someone tells me to take my time over a putt or shot. Of course I am going to take my time. Telling me to “take my time” is just the other golfer’s way of reminding me that: I have made a hash out of the hole, this is my 8th stroke, we have two groups waiting on us and why the “!@#!%&” am I carefully lining up my putt!!


10. Manhole Cover Ball Marks: Some of them are sort of cool, like the real silver dollar someone I know uses. Still, it gets my blood up a bit when some goof places down a poker chip or 10,000 Peso coin three feet from the hole and then asks me if it is in my line. Ever heard of a penny or dime?